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.Nate knew exactly what Mike was referring to.There was a time he would’ve played dumb or not understood, but not anymore.Mike saw Nate with Taylor last night.There was no telling what he thought, but Nate could almost guarantee he thought wrong.Call it delayed reaction, PTSD, whatever the hell, but after seeing that lifeless kid, all of his life’s recent truths hit Nate like a semi on the 405.It’d taken him days to come to terms with it and know how to deal with it himself, much less explain it to those around him.He was gay.Nate was a gay cop.Of course it’d been pretty obvious since he’d spent the last weeks making out with and having sex with his very male partner, but there was knowing and then there was knowing.Accepting.Realizing.Huge life-altering-epiphany-type shit.He’d even said he was gay out loud a few times to Lucy to see how it sounded.Lucy looked like she couldn’t possibly care less.Actually she looked thrilled, but that was only because “gay” and “good girl” all had g’s in them, and it was all good to her.“Shit.” Nate rubbed a hand over his head.He’d just need a little time to adjust.To deal with it.That’s what he did.Jump first; think later.Think long and fucking hard and for hours on end, later.But Mike knew that.He knew how Nate worked.So why the hell was he taking it as being pushed away now? Somehow he’d twisted it into Nate not wanting him, and nothing was further from the truth.Nate had no idea how long it took him to eventually make it out to the car where Officer Laura Holden waited, but by the look on her face, it was a while.“You okay?” she asked, getting in behind the wheel.“You look like you’re going to be sick.And if you get sick, then I’m going to get sick, and then I’m going to be pissed off.”“I’m fine,” Nate muttered.The truth was he felt nearly as nauseated as the day of the shooting.Mike had said, “In the past.” As in them? Hell no they weren’t.His icy attitude couldn’t all be because Nate was quiet for a few days.Okay, quiet was a mild descriptor.Totally MIA.Either way, it wasn’t like he’d told Mike to fuck off.Obviously Nate was missing something, and now they weren’t even partners, so he couldn’t nag the shit out of Mike until he caved.“Hey”—Holden snapped her fingers to get his attention—“you with me? If you don’t feel up to it, just tell the sergeant.I know you were sick the other day and—”“Sorry.No, I’m good.Let’s roll.” Nate rolled down his window and shook off the questions about Mike.For now.* * * *“You okay working with me?” Holden asked him at lunch.“Some of the guys have issues working with a woman.You’re young, though, so I didn’t think you’d be all old-school about it.”Nate’s gaze shot up to the officer across from him, her dark gaze studying every move of his face.“I don’t have a problem working with you.” He put down taco number two, which he was seconds away from mauling, so he could deal with his new partner.“Why?”“You haven’t said ten words all morning, outside of calls.If you’re trying to freeze me out, it’s a waste of energy, not to mention stupid.”“I’m not trying to freeze you…” Nate wiped at his mouth.“Look, Holden—”“Laura.You can call me Laura.”“Laura.I’m not back-assward like that, okay? I just…I’ve been…off lately.”“Off like off of work or off like…” She let the word dangle with a lift of her eyebrow.“Both.I had mandatory time because of a shooting.”She gave him a sympathetic nod.“Then, my last partner and I, we responded to a call where this kid…he killed himself.Then—I don’t know—it’s been a lot of heavy shit lately, one thing right after the next.Getting back to work is fine.I’m here; I’m sharp.But feeling chatty? That’s another.Sorry, but it’s got nothing to do with you.”She nodded again and sat back, looking like she believed him.“Okay.I admit, I’m defensive because of the crap I’ve dealt with, but if you say we’re good, I believe you.Till you prove yourself wrong.”“I won’t,” Nate told her.“Good.” She took a bite of her lunch and then put her fork down like she had something major to say.“You know, the young ones are always going to hit you the hardest.” Her eyes were steady on him.“That won’t change with a few years on your belt.It won’t ever change.Had a call like yours last year.Kid couldn’t have been fourteen, maybe fifteen if she was a day.” She shuddered.“I don’t like to think about her.It was too late for me to tell her what she did was a damn permanent fix to a temporary problem.”Nate nodded, her words expressing exactly what he felt.“I just wish—I don’t know.I could’ve told him that the whole teen angst thing is a blip on this huge radar, you know? Like…soon you’ll be in college or in the real world, and you’ll wonder why you ever gave a shit about the opinions of people you can’t stand.”“So true.” Laura threw her gaze to heaven.“And you won’t ever see those assholes again anyway, thank the Lord!”“Exactly.”“But you can’t think about what-ifs and coulda shouldas,” she said.“You’ll drive yourself nuts doing that.So stop.You’d be better off volunteering for some like…teen intervention program or doing bullying awareness at schools or something.The brass loves stuff like that on your file anyway.And it helps.I do work for women’s self-defense and stuff.Got tired of feeling like shit every time we took another assaulted-woman call.By then it’s too damn late, right? So that’s how I deal.”Nate gaped at her.“If you give me shit about it, I’ll break your legs.”“No!” Nate shook his head.“No, I…I think it’s fucking brilliant.Seriously.That could help.”Laura smiled.“Let me know how it goes, then.” She went back to her lunch, and Nate dived into his taco to take a moment to think.He meant what he’d said about it helping.Hell, just talking to her helped.So why could he say all this now, to her, and not to Mike?Because Mike wasn’t just a coworker anymore.He wasn’t some fellow cop who Nate could commiserate with and then drop it at the end of shift.He didn’t want to leave Mike at the end of the day, and he didn’t want the heaviness of work always on them.Mike was a lot more than a work buddy now.And that was part of why Nate freaked.The intensity, the power of what he felt, it was something he didn’t fully understand.On top of that, there was Adam.He and Adam had been best friends in school, and there was nothing Nate could have done to save him.With a family like that, there were few who could have helped Adam.He didn’t have the added pressure of being gay, but it was enough having an abusive father with all the power in the world over everyone they knew.His dad chose to make Adam his punching bag, and that was just what he’d been.Adam only saw one way out, and he’d taken it.Nate felt the guilt to this day.Something more he could’ve done.Said.Lately it was all too fucking much.He didn’t want to dump that on Mike.How was that fair?Mike was always there for him and would’ve been there for him the other day, but Mike was dealing with the shit himself.He didn’t say it, of course, but Nate saw it.Saw it in the clench of his jaw, the tightening of his fists [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]