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.“I’ll take care of this,” said Richard.He picked up the check, and raced up to the front of the restaurant.After what appeared to be another extremely animated discussion with the manager and the maitre d’, Richard came back and sat down.“It’s all taken care of.I just had to remind them who I was.”Not two minutes later, our waiter appeared.“I’m afraid your credit card has been denied, sir,” said our waiter.“Would you care to try another card?”Two credit card denials later, I found out Richard wasn’t a limited partner in this place.His second cousin was.Although his cousin had let him eat for free a few times, Richard had been cut off.Apparently, the third time he brought a party of ten at eight o’clock on a Saturday night and pulled the “limited partner routine” he had been shut down.“I mean, she’s my cousin and it’s her restaurant, so what’s the problem?” he said.“I don’t get it.”I got it.As it turned out, Mr.Ivy & Elite was maxed-out on all six cards, $40,000 on each, so that he’s $160,000 in debt.He was waiting for his year-end bonus to pay it all off and it’s only mid-August.He still had four and a half debt-filled months before bonus time and no credit left on his existing cards, which meant that the other person at the table who had decent credit was going to have to pay for dinner.That would be me.While they were processing my credit card, Richard table-hopped and decided to run out front to smoke a cigar with a guy from his health club.I looked over at the bar and saw Josh, whom I hadn’t seen since the Emmys.He was sitting alone.I walked over and sat down next to him.“Hey.How’s it going?”“Well, well,” said Josh.“If it isn’t the little litigator.Come over here to start a fight?”After my remarks on our first date, I guess that this was to be expected.“Noooooo, I came over to say hello and see how you were,” I said.“But I think I know the answer to that.”“Did the word drunk come to mind?”“No.But the words extremely drunk did.”I motion to the bartender to cut him off, and he gets it.“So what’s going on?” I ask.What’s going on is that he’s a mess.It turns out that Cody, the D-girl from the Emmys, has dumped him.After four months of dating, she told him that he wasn’t powerful enough.Then Richard reappears.“What’s this?” he said.“This is my friend Josh,” I say.They look at each other.“Hey,” said Richard.“Hey,” said Josh.I take Richard aside.“Look, my friend Josh just got dumped and is feeling pretty terrible.So I think I’m going to stay and make sure he gets home alive.OK?”“But I thought you were with me tonight,” said Richard.“Look, my friend Josh is a mess.He needs some help.”“OK,” said Richard.“But I’d like to do this again.I had a really good time tonight.”I just say “good night” and don’t even go for the obligatory kiss.I walk back over to Josh, order two coffees, tell the waiter to keep them coming and then wonder if I’m making a mistake.In this restaurant I could deplete my IRA trying to cover the cost of endless coffees.We stay until the restaurant closes.Then I take him to Cantor’s so he can talk himself out and I can stop paying for $6 cups of Maxwell House Blend.Josh talks for four hours.Before I leave, I give him my cell phone number.“Call me if you feel bad.Don’t worry about the time.I’m a light sleeper,” I tell Josh.This is a lie, but he looks awful.When I get home, it’s about 3 a.m.My cell phone rings.I pick it up.“Josh?” I say.It’s not.But there’s breathing on the line.“Whoever this is, this breather thing is so tired.Give it a rest.”“You’re not the best-looking woman that I’ve ever slept with.I know you think you are.But you’re not.”“Oh hi, Ted,” I said.“Are you the Breather?”“If you want, I’ll come over,” said Dr.Ted.“Let it go, Ted.It’s 3 a.m.”“You should feel lucky that I want you,” said Dr.Ted.“And why is that?”“Because I’m a doctor.”“Really? Does the word HMO or… try this one ‘Managed Health Care’ mean anything to you? Good night, Ted.I’m going to lose you in a second.”“Bitch,” barks Dr.Ted, just before my cell dies.11Did You Vest?I’m not one of those people who like to stay in contact with a boyfriend after we break up.I think the act of breaking up demonstrates that on some level you hate each other.To stay in contact with each other on the basis of some ridiculous lie, like a pretense of friendship (“let’s be friends”), only prolongs the inevitable.There isn’t going to be any friendship.You’re not going to get any closure.You repulse each other.So cut it off.When it comes to a former fiancé I take this theory to a higher level.Whereas with a boyfriend I’ll acknowledge that I did date him, with a former fiancé I generally refuse to publicly acknowledge that he ever existed.This keeps me from inane thoughts about how our wedding would have been, what our children might have looked like, or what in God’s name I’m going to do with the $6,500 raw silk wedding dress sitting in my closet.I find that this is the most effective method for enduring the naked humiliation of it all.So when Frank disappeared from my life and never spoke to me again, I was actually quite relieved.It wasn’t messy.It was just over, and he was gracious enough to remove his ancient gray spanky pants from my apartment before I actually gave him the boot [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]