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.She looked angry enough to lunge at me, but she didn't move.She just watched and waited for the feeding to end.Then she walked calmly across the room andgently took the baby out of my arms, cupping her in her own.Her face blossomed with happiness.I was trembling inside, but she didn't notice.She never even looked at me.She rocked the baby in her arms until the baby's eyes closed, and then she placed her back in the crib and covered her little body with the tiny pink blanket.I stood up and watched over her shoulder.Finally, she turned and looked at me."You have to go back to your room," she said."and wait until you're needed.""But Mommy.the baby's hair.Why did you dye it a different color?"She shook her head as if she had hear puregibberish and smiled at me."I didn't dye her hair.silly.""But.it was redder.It was —""Of course it wasn't," she said sharply and turned me to walk me out of the bedroom.She practically pushed me into the hallway and started to close the door."Mommy, why are you keeping me away from her?" I bawled, my eyes awash in tears.She held the door halfway closed and gazed out at me for a long moment."It's just not time for you to be with her yet.""But there's so much more to do.Don't we.shouldn't we.I mean, she has no name."Mommy smiled."Of course she has a name.Noble,' she said.She started to close the door again.I put my hand out, and she looked at me."What's her name?" I asked."Her name's Celeste," she said.And she closed the door.EpilogueWelcome Home.Not long after Mommy stopped using the pump and the baby was put on Mommy's special formula —the formula she had used for both Noble and me — I was able to tighten the corset around myself well enough to hide my curves and bosom again.I did not lose weight quickly, and only a few pounds at that after all.My face was still chubby.I wasn't happy about it.but I could see Mommy was pleased.She even told me to go up to her room and cut my hair.I sat for almost an hour staring at myself in her vanity mirror, dreaming of my hair flowing freely down the back of my neck like some of the women I had read about and had seen on television.Finally.she called up to me because she wanted something done.so I had to bring the scissors to my long strands, chopping away until my hair was close again and the fantasy gone She wanted me to help her with baby Celeste.and I was afraid if I didn't do exactly what she asked me to do, she wouldn't let me near the baby.In time she permitted me to hold Celeste or feed her and change her by myself."It's no shame for a big brother to help out she said.It didn't matter what she said as long as I could do it.Those hours were my happiest.I was pleased just to be in the same room and watch the baby sleep.As soon as the red would start to get moreprominent in the baby's hair, Mommy would wash in her dye, and it would be returned to my color.Usually she did it at night after I had gone to sleep.No one else would have known anyway.Even though no one other than the postman or a utility man came to our farm.Mommy was very careful about when she would take baby Celeste outside.No one in the world but us knew she had been born."When the time comes, we'll reveal her,"Mommy said and added."when they tell me."Everything we did in our lives now emanated from those famous three words: they told me.New ideas, changes, anything and everything, came to us from the whispers that rained down from clouds only Mommy could see.I hadn't seen or heard anything from the spiritual world for so long, it all lodged in the back of my mind like some dream I had years and years ago, and I began to suspect more and more that it was all just hallucinations.Together in our secret world.Mommy and Iwatched baby Celeste grow stronger and more alert.When she began to crawl and be at things constantly.Mommy gave me more and more to do with her until I was spending most of my day minding her.There were some close calls when the man who read our electric meter monthly almost saw her and then when we had a seed delivery and the driver surely heard her crying.But no one came to inquire about her.I used to think about the Fletchers, who still lived next to us, and how surprised Mr.Fletcher would be if he ever learned he was a grandfather.Would he be angry or happy about it?Baby Celeste was certainly a beautiful baby.How could anyone not be happy about her? She had the same blue-green eyes.which Mommy expected her to have and which helped support what she had been told, of course.I could see baby Celeste wasn't just alert.too.She was bright and very curious about everything she saw or heard.When she stood up and then tottered, but then stood up again and again until she could do it well enough to take a step at eleven months.Mommy was convinced she was a blessed child.This is not someone we can keep secret forever.I thought, but Mommy wasn't a bit worried about anything.She had such trust in her voices.Where were they? I wondered again and again.Why had they gone from me? Were they ever with me? Or Was it all just as I feared: something I wanted so much.I made it happen?I did my work.I sat with baby Celeste in my lap in the evening, and we listened to Mommy play her piano.I read more when I could.and I waited.What was I waiting for?The following spring I began to take walks in the woods again, but for the longest time.I avoided what had been my special place.Finally.I got up enough nerve to go there, and when I looked at it now, it seemed innocuous, so common to the rest of the forest.There were many places where the pine trees shaded the ground and where the ground was matted in a carpet of fallen needles and smelled as redolent and fresh as this one.I thought.And I thought.The truth is, all our special places come from inside us.Something within makes them special for us, and when that changes, they change.Beauty surprised was the most impressive because of what exploded in our hearts when we confronted it, whether it was an unexpected waterfall, a doe, a beautiful bird.Once we had seen it and seen it again, it was still beautiful, but it was different, as different as a magnificent animal stuffed was from the animal or a painting of a beautiful place was from the place itself.Something of it was captured forever, but it would never be what it was in the beginning, that first time.I wanted to tell Mommy that all this awareness had come to be without my being told, but then I thought.Maybe that's where the spirits really are, inside us.Maybe she was right, and maybe when we realize it, surrender to it, believe in it [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]