[ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]
.Fortunately, we had a lot to talk about.October 23Last year, when Kyle Kingsbury gave me that rose at the dance, I thought that whenever I smelled roses, I would think of him.I was wrong.It’s fall now.It has been three months since I came to live with Adrian, three months, studying every day in his rose garden.Now, the scent of roses has become hopelessly, irrevocably associated with Adrian.Sometimes I think I’ve become used to it, and I ask him if we can study someplace else for a day, so the next day, I can experience it anew.It’s hard for me to believe I missed the beginning of school.I wonder if people have even noticed I’m gone.If they have, they probably just think I went back to my old school.I don’t miss Tuttle, where I was so invisible.Other Things I Don’t Miss—Guys lurking on our doorstep—Weird noises outside at night—My dad not coming home for days or nights on end—Being alone and frightenedSometimes I do worry about my father.I don’t know if he actually went to rehab.Chances are, he didn’t.But I push that fear back.After all, he ditched me here.I’ve at least earned the right not to obsess over him.Now, my life has routine.Here’s my schedule.6:30 a.m.Wake up6:45 a.m.Yoga with Wil7:45 a.m.Shower and dress8:30 a.m.Breakfast9-2:00 School with Adrian and Wil2-5:00 Reading/quiet time (usually with Adrian) 5:00 p.m.Adrian and I help Magda with dinner 6:00 p.m.Dinner7:00 p.m.More time with AdrianThrough the windows, I can see the leaves hanging red and orange on the trees, then falling.(This neighborhood, what I can see of it, is beautiful, with tree-lined streets, unlike what I was used to.) I wished we could go out and play in them.I mentioned this to Adrian.“I’m sorry,” he said.“I know I wrecked your life.” This wasn’t what I meant.I said, “No, no you didn’t.Not really.I understand.”“Understand what?”“What it’s like to be lonely, to be alone.I’ve been alone all my life, even if there were other people around.”“You ever see an animal in a cage?” he asked.“Once, I saw a tiger at the zoo.He had this tiny area, and all day long, he’d walk from left to right, sit down, stand up, walk back, then front, and repeat.It was really sad, because he was supposed to be a TIGER, and he didn’t even have the freedom of a housecat.”“That’s weird.”“That’s how I feel sometimes, like that tiger.” I nodded, watching him.Adrian has the grace of a tiger, and the power.I get the feeling he could really hurt someone if he wanted, but with me, he’s like a kitten.I said, “Me too.All my life, I felt exactly the same way.I like being here with you.I only wish we could go someplace, not be inside this house all the time.”“I’d like that too.I know it’s not fair of me.” He stared out at the flowers in the greenhouse.“I keep you here, like one of my roses.You should be able to go out places.”“Not just that.I wish you could go out too, go to the park, enjoy the fall leaves.”“I wish.It’s just.”“I know.You’re worried someone will see you.” He shook his head.“Not that.Mostly, I’m afraid you’ll leave.”“I won’t.”“How can you say that? I’d leave if I were you.”“You’re not me.I could leave if I wanted to, Adrian.You think I couldn’t find a way out if I wanted?” He looked doubtful, but then he glanced around.He must have realized I was right.There were no bars on the windows.When I’d first come, I’d assumed I was locked inside, but now, I realized the only things standing between me and the door at night were a blind man, an old woman, and Adrian himself.I knew none of them would ever hurt me.I knew I could leave.It was my own decision to stay.“So why do you stay?” he asked.“I don’t know.I guess.I’ve never had a friend like you.Maybe I’ve never had a friend, a good friend.I’m happy here, happier than I’ve ever been.I feel safe for the first time in my life.”I knew my words—the word friend—were crushing him.He didn’t think of me as a friend.I knew from the many times I’d seen him gazing at me.I knew it from the times our arms brushed over our books and I felt electricity in the air.I knew he thought of me as much more than a friend.Adrian loves me, and I know it.And I know it because I feel the same way about him.I love him.It’s crazy, right? I love him.I love that he cares about poetry.I love how funny he is.I love that I feel safe with him.Yet, I can’t be in love with him.Anyone might think it’s his looks that are standing in the way.But I got past his looks long ago, in a few days.I can see into his soul, and it is beautiful.The real problem is, Adrian needs me too much.And I can’t be with someone who needs me, not anymore.I mean, I know he doesn’t want me to be a nursemaid or anything, but if I was with him, I’d be trapped in this house, unable to have a normal life.just like I’m trapped with my father.If this were a fairy tale, there would be a curse on him, and I’d have to kiss him or marry him or say I love you to break the curse.But this is reality, and there’s no such thing as magic, and no matter what happens, he will be him, and I will be me.And the world will be the world.Am I using his neediness as an excuse not to love him, because I really am icked out by his looks, really don’t want to love a freak? No, that’s not it.I do love him, despite or maybe because of his looks, but I can’t do this.I can’t.I can’t spend my whole childhood saddled with my father, then spend my whole adult life saddled with someone else needy.I know it’s not his fault.He just wants someone to be with.It just can’t be me.So I love him, but I’ll never tell him [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]