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.“Open a savings account,” she said.“If you ever need anything, you call me, you hear?”He bent down to hug her, his face showing his fondness.“I promise, Auntie.”Eight-year-old Danny cried on his shoulder, even though he wanted, really bad, to be a tough guy.My father took my son aside, but not so far away I couldn’t hear him.“You can be anythin’ you want, Shane, but remember you’re a Sabatino, and be an honor to my name.”Shane nodded soberly.“I would never do anything to hurt you, Papa.”“I know,” my father said, and kissed him hard on the cheek, his hand tight around his head.He used it to pat his face after, a gesture that somehow pierced me.“Call me when you can, huh? Tell me how things are going.”Shane nodded, nearly in tears, then hugged him hard.“I’ll miss you.”“You’ll be fine,” Romeo said, and went over to join the others, jingling his keys in his pocket to cover his strong emotion.I just stood next to him, my kid, until they called the flight.I memorized the feeling of his tall, ropy body next to mine, inhaled the soap and man smell of him, remembering a thousand other notes he’d once carried—baby powder and Diaparene, sand and sun, Play-Doh and brownies and Kool-Aid.He didn’t say anything.We’d talked so much the past twenty-four hours about what he could do and what he couldn’t do and how to behave and everything else that there wasn’t much else to say.I trusted Jimmy to look out for him, and trusted his wife to give Shane the mothering he might need.The Jersey neighborhood he’d be living in was pleasantly upscale, and my gut said he’d be okay, that this was the right thing to do.When the flight was called, the other guys picked up their packs and shuffled off to the gate, a familiar game for most of them.Then it was just me and Shane.He glanced over his shoulder.“I gotta go.”I’d told myself I wouldn’t cry in front of him, and although I had to blink very hard to actually avoid spilling tears, I stuck to it.“I know.” I gave him a brave smile.“Be careful.Be good.Don’t hold back on your dream.”But he was the one who cried, and not even blinking could hold it back.I felt the hot tears splash on my neck as he hugged me hard.“I love you, Mom.I’ll call you every Sunday, no matter what, no matter where I am.”“That’s great.”The last call came and he straightened.“It’s time.”“Yeah.Bye, babe.See you soon.”And he turned, all six foot two of beautiful young hopeful male, his pack slung over his back with everything he needed in it, and I would have done every single minute of my whole life over again, every miserable moment, every sorrow, every joy, every everything to come back here and see him off to the life he was meant to live.I felt myself grow smaller and larger at once, aligned with everything in the world, all of history and all of the future.Everything that had happened had resulted in this moment, with Shane prepared, as nothing else could have prepared him, to live a long, healthy life making art for the rest of us.“Hey, Shane,” I said, remembering at the last minute.He turned, but kept walking backward.“I’ll put a candle in the window.”He grinned at the old code phrase between me and Billy, and lifted a hand and dipped out of sight.To fly.FROM A POSTCARD SHOWING SEVEN FALLS, COLORADO SPRINGS,COLORADO8/18Hey sugar—Didn’t get far my first night somehow.It’s real pretty here.I dreamed about Michael last night, just sitting on the foot of my bed.Think about the Alps, huh? Or maybe the Nile.Love, MFROM A POSTCARD SHOWING NATIVE AMERICAN DANCERS,NORMAN, OKLAHOMA8/20Hey babe—These guys made me think about Billy.Think he’d have done better if he’d taken up drums? Dreamed about Michael again.Just sitting there on my bed.Weird.Should be home in a couple days and will head out shortly thereafter.I’ll send you a postcard from Africa, maybe.Love, MFROM A POSTCARD SHOWING MAGNOLIAS IN FULL BLOOM, BILOXI,MISSISSIPPI9/10Hey darlin’—Still dreaming about Michael every night.EVERY night.Never says a word, just sits there at the foot of my bed, looking at me.I almost called today, but realized you’d probably be out delivering pies.Wanted to know if you’re dreaming about him, too.Getting things together for a quick river raft trip in CA.You’d like it.Come if you want.Love, MFROM A POSTCARD SHOWING A WHITEWATER RAFT TRIPThinking you’d like this river.La Llorona doesn’t walk here, though.Michael went away.Doesn’t sit on my bed anymore.Don’t know whether to be sad or glad.Love, MChapter 21I went to the fair alone in the end.And didn’t last an hour.It was too sad.Too many ghosts walking around there for me—ghosts of myself and Michael and Billy.Ghosts of time past.I ate a funnel cake and called it a night.By next year, I’ll probably be more in the mood.I did a lot of things alone over those last weeks of summer.Slept alone, ate alone, cooked alone.It was amazing how lonely that big old house was without any voices but my own in it.I spent a lot of time visiting with my sisters, and my mother started having me over for dinner a couple of times a week.I went.Love has no pride, as Bonnie Raitt says, and I needed them in a big way.There was a blessed conspiracy afoot to keep me busy, everyone taking turns needing me for something or another—Jane and her house and shopping, then the baby shopping, because of course she came home pregnant; Jordan dragging me out to her house for breakfasts and a few therapeutic margarita nights; Nana and her trips to the doctors; my father and his wish for advice on the menu of Falconi’s.Advice, by the way, that he actually listened to.Shane had told him a lot about the Music Box, Michael and Andre’s restaurant, and he’d been impressed by some of the meal choices.Time, Romeo said, overriding even Nana, to bring Falconi’s into the twenty-first century.Shane called every Sunday afternoon, and a lot more besides.He was pretty lonely and lost the first couple of weeks, but once school started he cheered up.Girls always make the world look better.Jimmy had hooked him up with two other young musicians, and they landed a gig in a nearby hamlet within a month.The club was small, but prestigious—agents and music-label folk were known to scope it out for new talent.I spent whatever extra time I found on my hands working in the garden or walking by the river.It seemed maudlin at first, but somehow the sound of the water, the flow of those ions in the air maybe, comforted me [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]