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.We simply upgrade their natural tendency and show them how to cut the nuts off a dog.This is the sort of program that can catapult me into a high government post.I’ve got to play my cards right.But I know the kids will respond to dissection.Oh, we can have such fun together.We’ll get a chimpanzee and we’ll cut off his head.Good, Then we’ll stuff the head.And then we’ll bring another chimpanzee into the classroom and show him the stuffed head.It will scare the shit out of him.Why? I am indebted to Professor Austin for his explanation of this phenomenon, which he demonstrated very often to his own students.The chimp is scared shitless of the stuffed head because it has only a few of the ordinary characteristics of a chimpanzee—i.e., eyes, nose, mouth, and ears.Live chimp looks at stuffed head.Shits pants.Now, students, please observe what Professor Austin has so skillfully pointed out: The scared chimp is suffering from neophobia.He’s never before seen a head just like his own resting on top of a desk.It’s a new experience—and so he runs like hell around the classroom, screaming.He isn’t screaming because he thinks they’ll cut off his head next.No, no, no, students, gracious no.Nothing so morbid as that.It’s just a little case of neophobia.It’s important for young students to make such subtle distinctions, and I can help them to do so, in a fun way.(A grammar-school program must have fun instruction like this headless chimpy game.)I’ll be leading the entire field with this thing; the doors of the White House are going to open to Doctor Rat.A scientist occasionally spies his destiny and I see mine.It’s with the children.This is a profound moment in history, and I, who am trained in perceiving the delicate releasing stimuli, am getting a terrific rush out of this one.Doctor Rat will be dining with the President of the United States!I’ll have grants coming out of my ears.In the meantime, while this valuable scientific idea is incubating in my cerebral hemispheres, I’ve got to set up a counterrevolutionary receiving set and find out what man is doing to squash this revolution.Over here, beyond the pickled fetuses is a small abandoned activity drum which will do fine.The smaller sets give you sharper pictures, anyway.All right, I’m climbing through the door and putting my paws on the wire floor.Now run, Doctor, run!Get this goddamn thing spinning fast enough… I’m in as good shape as ever…my experimental psychosis has lent a certain vigor to all my motor systems.I can show a clean heel when I have to, gentlemen.The Albino Flash! Wow, this wheel is really singing…should facilitate some good reception…now to jump off and watch the picture coming in…Okay, I’ve got a perfect seat, and here comes the highly classified counterrevolutionary signal.Good, excellent, a special meeting of the military advisors.This is the kind of show I love! Nothing namby-pamby in it.Straight fast decision-making on the highest level.These are your best men in an emergency.You don’t want any ecological conservatives around at times like this.They’re all right in their place, mind you, beautifying the roadsides, but in the short-term view, when you need action in a hurry for results now, those boys aren’t the ones to call.And I’m happy to see the African leaders realize this.“Mr.President, as you know, the Research Programme for Gathering a Selective Cross-section of the Species has been formed rather quickly.But the animals have already collected in such vast numbers that we couldn’t afford to hesitate.”“I’m aware of the need for immediate action, Mr.Secretary.”“Yes sir.We have some very good men in the Programme and they’ve flown over the areas where the animals are gathered.The numbers have been assessed and the conclusion is that the proposed cross-section can be taken without significant damage to any of the species.”“You’ve conferred with the Minister of Natural Resources?”“The Minister is of the opinion that a considerable harvesting of the elephant and hippo groups is essential.His teams have observed that these particular groups have become too successful and are in need of cropping-out.In the long run, the herds will benefit by such selective harvesting.We are, in fact, hoping to achieve a lasting dynamic balance of the animal population.This massing of the animals makes the implementation of that part of the Programme much easier.A better ecology, sir, is going to be the end result.”“I’m happy to hear that, Mr.Secretary.In your memorandum you mentioned certain economic benefits…”“The Research Programme will pay for itself, sir, many times over.”“Exactly how will that work, Mr.Secretary?”“Sir, as soon as we realized that the herds were gathering in such great numbers we invited tenders from the larger American and European pet food companies.Those tenders have now been received.”“May I see them, Mr.Secretary?”“Yes sir, here they are.As you can see—”“The figures are substantial.”“Very substantial, Mr.President.”“And how is the Selective Cross-section going to be gathered?”“I’ve already conferred with Air Marshal Mobogo.He’s very enthusiastic about a Selective Harvest of this size as it will give his air force a lifelike military maneuver in which to test out our new Phantom jets.”“Have you spoken to Shudite?”“General Shudite is eager to test his own new machinery under battlefield conditions.The gathered elephants, for example, are quite similar in size to a tank battalion.The general is certain that valuable field maneuvers will result.”We sit and groom each other, picking out fleas and watching the many animals as they enter the plain.The noise is tremendous, and yet a gentle calm seems to pervade the ranks.We gorillas who have always lived in solitude upon the jungle heights can only sit in wonder here, in the midst of so much activity.The leopard blinks at me sleepily and licks his paws.No one moves to attack us.The great black buffalo is chewing the grass.A little rhinoceros has come in amongst the elephants, playfully nudging them with her horn.And the leopard cubs are playing with the hyenas!I feel I should stand up and pound my chest.But there is no need to do so.The air is filled with contentment and a wonderful expectation.I scratch my head.The exercise wheel is slowing down, the picture is getting weaker.I’ve got to get back on the wheel again and generate some more intuitive kilopower.Enemy patrol coming this way! Quick, Rat, go into disguise…Taking my tail in my mouth, I start to chase it, round and round, exhibiting all the activity of a rat caught in a compulsive syndrome.There are many such rats in the lab, all of whom were driven into this tail-chasing psychosis by the Learned Professor.I look just like one of them, going faster and faster.The enemy patrol is slowing down, coming closer.“Hello, in there! Can we help you?”I spin madly on, eyes closed, whirling round and round.“He’s too far gone…a hopeless case…”A masterful subterfuge [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]