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.There was always something else.We want these things, but what happens when we get them? Are they what we imagined?Usually not.It can go both ways, though.Nonetheless, my mother’s views on just about everything are distorted and fucked up beyond belief.She did teach me a few valuable lessons about life, though.She taught me that I never wanted to be like her.For the most part, I didn’t think I was.Not exactly a stellar parent, but I liked to think I was doing pretty well.Sure, my kids walked all over me, but you always saw them smiling and laughing.They were happy kids.Of course there were times when I wanted my children to stop talking.Was it wrong of me to want some peace and quiet?No.It was human.We all needed alone time.Men just got it more often.At least that was my theory.When Jace had a day off, the kids were with Lauren, as his days off usually fell during the week.Me?I wasn’t allowed that luxury, as Lauren, bless her crazy heart, needed a day off sometime.There were days when I felt like the worst mother in the world.I felt like everything I did was wrong and would cause some kind of irrevocable damage to my kids.The truth was, I was sure most mothers felt like that.Even Brooke, who seemed as if she could do no wrong as a person.She had faults, too, even if she appeared perfect.In the beginning, you know those wonderful baby moments with a peaceful baby in your arms?We never had that.It was more or less, “Please, for the love of God, go to sleep!”Despite the rocky start, I tend to think they were pretty good kids.They’ve taught me things I never thought a child could teach you.There are things about Gracie I adore.The way she watches me, mimics everything I do, and when I’m not looking, she’s showing her independence.I love the way she thinks deeply and loves even deeper.Jayden is like nothing I’ve ever seen.A little boy to the core, rough but loving, big blue eyes and a smile that covers his entire face.A reminder that his daddy is present in him in every way.I wanted to give them a better childhood, with stability and the surety that they wouldn’t have to move around like I did.It’s one reason why I didn’t push Jace into anything, because I thought for sure if I pushed, he’d want to leave me and what would that do to my kids?What if he didn’t want to marry me?Where would that leave us?Given the childhood I had, should this not work out between Jace and me, the idea of waking up in another city again was terrifying.I didn’t have the easiest childhood.I’m sure you’ve picked that up by now.The thing was, when I was fifteen and I met Ridley, I didn’t exactly have many friends.We moved around too much for that.So when I met him, I gravitated to him because he was a friend.When most girls called me a slut or fat, or whatever they felt like doing to me, Ridley was there for me.I wasn’t fat, as far as I was concerned.I wasn’t skinny, either.Just because I wore a size nine by no means meant that I was fat.It just meant I wasn’t rail thin like most of the other girls at Borah High School.My point here is that at the time, he offered something I didn’t have.But that was then.Soon I wised up to my mother’s ways, and Ridley’s, and now I was here, living a different life, questioning the same things, and wondering where it was all leading me.DESPITE MY shit attitude that morning and concern for my personal life falling apart, I got out of bed.After sending Jace a text message and not getting a reply, I decided I should just give him some space.By ten I was at the shop and well into a morning of arranging displays and training two new cashiers for the weekends here.Neither Shanna nor I really wanted to work every weekend anymore.When did I finally hear from my mom that morning? Because you knew that was coming soon after I didn’t return her calls and text messages.The first thing she said to me after five years apart?“You’re the spitting image of your father.” She was hiding behind dark glasses and an overly large leather jacket she used to keep herself bundled against the crisp Seattle winter.She looked the same: long, thin blonde hair that seemed like hay rather than hair after years of neglect.Leathered skin, tanned beyond what was natural.She was one hot mess.Her lips puckered as an unlit cigarette dangled from her lips, plodding restlessly, deciding on her next choice of words to me.“Really?” I asked sarcastically, ready to punch my own mom.“I wouldn’t know, would I?”She looked at me with droopy eyes and then laughed.“Is that how you welcome me after five years?”I nodded slowly, then replied with little politeness in my tone.“Yes.That’s how I welcome you.”Shanna came around the corner and stopped, regarding the two of us.“Oh, hey.uh.” She motioned behind her.“I got shit to do.” With her head down, she hurried to the back to help customers rummaging through the discontinued scents and leftover wax chunks we sold.My gaze turned back to my mother.She looked at me calmly, green eyes that matched mine staring.Restlessly, she turned and paced a little, two steps in one direction, a few in the other, and peered around the shop.“How long have you guys been here?”“A while.”Georgia’s regard turned back to me.I couldn’t explain the feeling I had right then.I wanted so badly to scream at her.The last time I saw her, she’d come to Seattle looking for money.That was the first time I had seen her since I left Boise ten years ago.I knew was she wanted.Money.And the fact that she was here, wanting money from me, hurt.I wanted a fucking parent, not another child.I wanted a mother who loved me for me and not because I had made a life for myself.A life she could benefit from because she did nothing with hers.It wasn’t like I had money to give, either.Jace and I barely made it.The shop had good months, but there were also months where we relied on his income alone.And living in Seattle wasn’t cheap.So was she here for money this time?Perhaps.But with Ridley in town, too, who really knew what the two of them wanted and why they had both showed up so close together.My mother told me succinctly that she was between jobs and had decided to travel a little with her new boyfriend.Then she remembered I lived in Seattle.Likely excuse.It was just like her to do this.Small talk and even less talk about the kids she hadn’t seen in a while.Have I mentioned that she’s never even seen her grandkids?Tells you what kind of person she is, doesn’t it?I doubted she even knew about Jayden.I didn’t bother telling her when I got pregnant with him, and when he was born I didn’t feel the need.It wasn’t like she would have come to see him, or me.Focusing on nothing in particular, Georgia picked up a jar candle and looked at the price, eyebrows raising in surprise.We might have been a small shop, but our creations were handmade, and the price reflected that.“Hefty prices, don’t you think?”I wasn’t in the mood for her bullshit today.or any other day.I bet she never complained about the price of her cigarettes or price of the fifth I was sure was in her purse.“Why did you tell Ridley where I was? I said I never wanted to see him again.” Two more customers walked in, both browsing the displays by the window and glancing in my mother’s and my direction a time or two.She sighed as if it should have been obvious.“You dated him for years, Aubrey Grace.I think he has the right to explain if needed.”Calling me by my middle name?Jesus.She really was trying to piss me off.“No,” I reminded her, “he doesn’t.He cheated on me the entire time we were dating.”My remark didn’t even phase her.Nothing.Not even a shocked expression.“And how long have you known your new guy?” she countered, tight-lipped [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]